The Goodbye You Don't Want To Say
by maddiethurowthealchemist
Summary: "Please take care of Ciel while I'm gone. Tell him it was the goodbye I never wanted to say." I don't own Kuroshitsuji. WARNINGS: Self-Harm, Suicide/character death,and swearing. Rated T for self harm, suicide, and swearing. Modern Day Fanfic/AU


A/N: Please enjoy and please read and review! Modern Day Fanfic/AU

The Goodbye You Don't Want To Say

I slowly walk down the hall, my wrists stinging with pain as they began to bleed again, my sweater sleeves absorbing the blood. "Hey, Alois!" I jumped as I turned around to see my best friend, Ciel Phantomhive. "H-Hey Ciel..." I say, quietly. "Are you okay? What's wrong?" he asks me. "Nothing, I'm just tired." I say, faking a smile. Actually, I want to die. I'm so tired of pretending to be fine when in reality, all I really want to do is die. I started to walk to class with Ciel, blocking everything out with my thoughts. I don't deserve to live. I can't do this anymore. Today is my last day. I promised myself today I would do it. End my life, I mean. The end of the day was near, and it was last period. I said goodbye to Ciel and went to my class. I don't want to live anymore. Was that too much to ask? I asked myself things like this all class period, and finally I snapped out of my thoughts as the bell rang. I walked to my locker and grabbed my backpack and books. I don't even need these considering I won't be here tomorrow to turn anything in. As I walked down the stairs to the lobby, I approached Ciel's brother, Sebastian. "Sebastian, I have a favor to ask." I say. "What is it, Alois?" he asks me, curiosity in his voice. "Take care of Ciel for me while I'm gone. Tell him I said goodbye, and it was the goodbye I never wanted to say." I say, smiling sadly at him, tears forming in my eyes. "Alois what do you-" But before I could hear him finish, I ran home. As soon as I got home, I ran upstairs to grab my razors, and I cut one last time. Tears mixed with my blood as they leaked down my face, and fell on my wrists. I deserve this. I'm so fucking pathetic. I continued to cut, then I started hearing voices in my head that wouldn't go away. Voices telling me to kill myself and I would feel better if I was dead. "SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GET OUT OF MY HEAD!" I screamed, wanting the voices to stop. But they didn't. I ran over to my nightstand and grabbed a notepad and pen, starting to right incredibly fast. As I wrote, blood streaming down my wrists fell onto the paper, as well as my tears.

Dear Ciel,

I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I'm so sorry. I have voices running through my head telling me to kill myself and that they hate me. But truth is I hate me too. I'm just a burden to everyone. I only wanted to be good enough. And I wasn't. I'm just a failure that everyone hates. I'm just a burden, but no one has to worry about that anymore. Ciel, these voices won't go away, but it doesn't matter because everything they are telling me is true. I hate myself Ciel, just like everyone else, I'm worthless and pathetic. I've wanted to die for so long, and now I finally am. I'm finally there and no one can stop me. No one cares, no one wants me, and I can't be helped now. I need to end this pain the only way I know how. Ciel, I'll miss you. I won't be there to laugh with you anymore, or see you smile. I am so fucking sorry. I'm sorry you had to have a best friend as worthless as me. Thank you for all the years of love and friendship you gave me. Don't do anything stupid to yourself, and most of all, Ciel Phantomhive, DO NOT think this is your fault because it's not. I've been cutting and suicidal for years and I can't take it anymore. I'm so sorry. No one cares, no one will remember me let alone notice I'm gone. Ciel, one day you'll move on and forget me. And that's one thing I feared most. Losing my one and only best friend. You'll move on from me after my death. Ciel, my death means nothing. It is not important. You can do great things without me, Ciel. I know you can. You can be successful without me. You can and NEED to move on from me after my death. I'm of no importance to anyone. Ciel, you don't need me. You don't need me to move on with your life. You don't know how much you mean to me. You might be thinking: "If I mean so much to you and I'm so important, why did you do this to yourself?" Well, that's easy. Because in doing this I'm thinking of others, and doing them a favor. I also deserve pain. I deserve to be destroyed. After I'm done breathing, the world can leave behind Alois Trancy. Alois isn't needed in this world. He never was and never will be. Ciel,I was a fucking mistake. I'm just done with this. This was the goodbye I never wanted to say, Ciel. I'm sorry for hurting you. When I'm finally at rest, think of me as a butterfly who is always flying next to you. I'll always be with you, Ciel, even though you can't see me. I'll watch over you and protect you. Remember, I will be with you, forever.

Love,

Alois.

I read the note over one last time, crying harder. I lay the note down and run to the bathroom and lock the door. I open the cabinet, and take out multiple bottles of various sorts of pills. I lay on the floor, hands over my ears and shaking violenty. "STOP! I'M DOING IT SO LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!" I yell, the voices still not going away. Without hesitation, My shaky hands begin to open the bottles, bringing them to my mouth swallowing every single tablet and capsule I could find in the bottles and elsewhere. When I run out of pills, I lay down, and starting to fall into a deep sleep I will never wake up from.

I'm finally at peace...

A/N: Was it good? Please read and review! Thanks for the love and support, I couldn't do it without all you guys!


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